End of the Rainbow

Date: May 6, 2013 Time: 12:28 pm
Current state: Moo
Location: The Office
Weather: Perdy


Today's menu :
Morning
Kashi GoLean Crunch (hate it, never getting it again
Honey Greek Yoghurt
Coffee w/milk
Afternoon
Frozen lunch (chicken enchilada w/rice)
Bowl of carrots
Banana Chips
Apple
Gum
Evening
Chicken stir fry
Beer
Lo fat/cal ice cream

When I was about 5 years old we lived in Colorado Springs, a city at the base of the Rocky Mountains. Whenever there was a rainstorm, it was always followed by a spectacular rainbow. I recall asking my mother as we were driving one day if we could go to the rainbow. She said, "You can't touch a rainbow. No matter how far you go, you will never get close to it." Psh. Say that to a 5 year old, and it is not a deterrent; it is a challenge. One afternoon I saw a rainbow, hopped on my Big Wheel (why aren't there Big Wheels for adults?), and started pedaling towards it. I don't recall exactly for how long I pedaled, or how far, but it was way too far for a 5 year old girl to be away from home on her own. Needless to say, my mother was right: you can never touch a rainbow. Rainbow Bright was a lie.

So what does this anecdote from my childhood have to do with my health goals? Whelp, I'll tell you. I went to my first WW (Weight Watchers) meeting on Friday afternoon. It was actually a great meeting, lead by a lovely facilitator and a group that was sufficiently interactive. When I was checking in, the gal who helped me pointed out my 5% and 10% weight loss goals. According to WW, and to doctors, losing at least 10% of your body weight can make a huge positive impact on your health. In WW, all milestones are 10%; you lose 10%, you celebrate and lose another 10%, and so on, until you reach a healthy weight within your BMI (Body Mass Index).

All my life I have fantasized about how wonderful my life would be if I were thin. More people would like me and want to be friends with me. I would be able to attract a partner. I wouldn't have to get a seatbelt extender on an airplane, and even comfortably fit into a seat. I could ride amusement park rides again. These days my fantasies are simpler; like, go for a walk without cringing from the pain.

I say fantasize because the idea of being "thin" has always felt like an unobtainable goal. At this moment I see that this is probably a defeatist attitude, but go with me on this: when am I going to be thin enough? I remember saying to my ex once that even if I did lose all of this extra body fat, I will always be fat in my head. She didn't understand so I explained: if I shed all of these extra pounds and get down to 125 pounds, I will not stop being me. I will still be the kid who was brutally bullied. I'll still be the person who would get stared at in the halls at work. I'll still be the woman on the plane that the person sitting next to wanted to be moved away from. I'll still be the person that doesn't want to date out of fear that nobody will be attracted to me. Changing my body will never take away the experiences that came with having "that body" to begin with. It will come with minor conveniences, but at what point does the mental/emotional weight-loss begin?

Pretty heavy for a Monday, I know. So the question for the day: how to you ditch your emotional baggage? Hit me in the comments.

Summer out.

Feeling Fabulous Friday

THIS! IS! FRIDAY!

Date: May 3, 2013 Time: 1:47 pm
Current state: Bouncy (I have to potty!)
Location: The Office
Weather: Luminous


Today's menu :
Morning
Pumpkin Flax Granola
Honey Greek Yoghurt
Apple
Afternoon
Frozen lunch (Cod w/Ratatouille)
Greek Salad
Banana Chips
Apple (if I get hungry)
Gum
Evening
(unpacking tonight)
Probably Pho again
Beer
Chocolate Square

*Note: I'm sorry some of ya'll are having trouble with the comments section. Tech support recommends going here for help. If the comments section is still being a nag and you want to ask a question or drop a comment, feel free to email me here and we'll cover it the next day.

Happy Feeling Fabulous Friday y'all! I've decided that I wanted to make Friday's blog posts focused on the positive. Eliminate the negative, so to speak.

I have never been to an Alcoholics/Narcotics/Over-Eaters Anonymous meeting, but from I understand people who go tend to focus on all of their negative behaviors and the consequences of their actions. While I think it's good to reflect on bad behavior + action = consequence, we should also take some time to celebrate the fact that we, being multi-faceted human beings, have something positive to put out into the world as well. Everybody has value and something to live for.

I used to have a friend who told me if I ever said anything bad about myself I had to say 3 nice things about myself after that. I couldn't believe how hard it was, every single time, to come up with 3 nice things to say about myself. I have talked to a lot of friends and have found that almost all of them, especially my female friends, struggle with the same thing.

All that being said, Feeling Fabulous Friday is exactly for that. I'm going to share 3 things I like about myself, every Friday, and I would like for you to share as well, in the comments section.

So here's this week's 3:

1. I like my green eyes.
2. I make a kick-ass blackened salmon.
3. I am an excellent defensive driver.

Okay, your turn! Share your 3 in the comments!

Summer out.

The food of my enemy is my enemy.

image source: McDonald's. Please don't sue me.

 

Date: May 2, 2013 Time: 11:27 am
Current state: Unfocused
Location: The Office
Weather: Supe's pretty

Today's menu :
*SIGH* McDonald's Egg White Delight McMuffin, a hash brown, and a coffee
Afternoon
 (running to Trader Joe's)
Frozen Lunch
Salad
Apple
Evening
Chicken Pho
Beer
1 square of chocolate

Oh McDonald's, how do you always manage to place yourself right in my commute path?

This morning I was (as usual) running late, and hungry. In my new neighborhood there is a McDonald's just a couple blocks from where I live, and as I was driving by this morning I saw a sign for their new Egg White Delight McMuffin. This is literally just a regular Egg McMuffin without a yolk and white cheese instead of yellow. All this being said, I thought to myself, "Oh, that's healthier!", and turned into the drive-thru. I ordered the Egg White Delight McMuffin and a cup of coffee, and the person taking my order asked if I wanted to make it a combo. Here's how that conversation went between the angel and the devil on my shoulder:

Devil: Ooo, if you get the combo you'll get the hash-brown!

Angel: You don't need the hash-brown, the sandwich and coffee is plenty.

Devil: Oh, but it's so much more cost effective if you get the combo.

Angel: But you're still paying more money to eat deep fried, genetically engineered potato cake. AND you know you'll get a stomach ache from eating all this heavy food.

Devil: Mmm, deep fried genetically engineered potato cake - *drooool*

So I got the combo. I ate my breakfast while sitting in traffic on the West Seattle bridge, and just as the angel on my shoulder said, I had an immediate stomach ache.

Before anyone asks: Yes, I have seen Super Size Me. No, I have not seen Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead (and I don't plan to). Yes, I know that McDonald's is the epitome of everything wrong with health in America. I get it, I get it, I get it. It's just so. Darn. CONVENIENT.

My problem is that I wasn't prepared. I knew I was out of breakfast items at work (which I'm replenishing today), and I was going to have to hit the ground running when I got in. As my father always said, "Poor preparation is the perfect path to panic", and when I don't plan ahead, or in this case when I don't have what I need on hand, I make bad choices.

So, lesson learned. That was then, this is now. No guilt. Learn, move on.

What's your temptation when you're not prepared? Share in the comments!

Summer out.

You have the right to remain indignant...

Date: May 1, 2013

Time: 2:21 pm
Current state: Ruminatin'
Location: The Office
Weather: Unfairly beautiful

Today's menu (started late today):
Morning
White Americano from Starbucks (Grande Americano w/2 pumps white mocha and a splash of half & half)
Starbucks ham breakfast sandwich
1/4 cup almonds
serving of banana chips
Afternoon
Trader Joe's Fusilli Pesto Pasta
Trader Joe's Honey Wheat Pretzel Sticks
Gum
Evening
(Meeting friends at Ma Kai in Alki)
Beer
Tacos
1 square of chocolate

Two things: 1) For everyone who asked, the move went GREAT! The movers were fast and friendly (which is the name of their business, Fast and Friendly Movers), and I'm so excited about my new place and roomie. 2) I am LOVING reading everyone's comments and I will do my super best to go back and reply to all of them. 3) (okay three things, I lied) Please share my blog. I really want to not only gain a readership, but to meet different people through this medium with different experiences.

I've been using my crutches on and off since my knee problems have escalated. I tend to use them when I'm out and about and have to walk long distances. When I'm at work a lot of people ask what's wrong and I decided awhile ago that I wanted to answer honestly: I'm having knee problems. Their follow up question is, "How long do you need the crutches?", and my answer is "When I get better." They ask, "How long will it take?" and I say, "However long it takes for me to lose weight." This always leads to a longer conversation about health, fitness, diets, and advice about what works for them or their friend/family member/coworker/dog/etc. There was a time when these conversations made me want to punch a daisy in the face, because even though the other party is always extremely well-intention-ed, a non-obese person trying to relate to my obesity problem has always made me uncomfortable.

Cut to lunch today. A coworker walked up to me in the kitchen and asked me the usual line of questioning about my knees, and it went as expected. She then brought up how a friend of hers uses Weight Watchers and how beneficial it is to them -

I'm going to cut from this conversation to explain my own personal experiences with WW (Weight Watchers). WW and I go WAY back. At the encouragement of an old coworker back in Colorado, I started going to meetings when I was 23. It started out great; I lost a lot of weight very quickly at first, and I was more conscious of what I was putting in my body. Then the cost of the monthly dues started catching up with me. To an hourly employee making $13 an hour, $40 a month is a lot of money. I stopped using it and inevitably gained all of it and more back.

Flash forward 5 years when my ex-wife and I decided to join again. It went extremely well this time and I ended up losing 90 pounds. When we broke up I stopped going because I no longer had a shared income, and again: to an hourly employee, $40 a month is a lot of money.

Flash forward 3 years: I gained back all of the weight I lost and a whole bunch more, which prompted me to join WW again. I went to one meeting. I was the last person to arrive at check-in, so I was there to hear the women loudly checking in all of the other meeting members ahead of me, most of which were new members. I was the only obese person. Two of the women in line, who were new, were tall and very thin; the counselor who checked them in told them according to their BMI they don't need to lose weight, but they can still attend the meeting. Another new member said she just wanted to lose 15 pounds. I went into the meeting and I was shocked by the judgmental stares I was receiving. I always thought of WW as a sort of AA, where people who are struggling with their weight could go to a non-judgmental environment to discuss coping/managing their weight problems. I had never before felt more uncomfortable in a WW meeting than I did that night. After that, I quit again. I decided that WW's focus has shifted not just to those who are genuinly struggling with weight loss, but for those who want to casually lose 15 or so pounds.

Flash forward  1 year to today's conversation, where I am still ferociously clinging to my indignation...

I told my coworker how I stopped going to WW, because I felt it was no longer for people who weren't struggling weight, but for people who casually wanted to lose a little bit of weight, how I felt judged, blah-blah-blah. Then she said, "Well it's a shame you felt judged, but it's not good to assume with other people's experiences are. They're going through their own experience." What?! Did she just tell me that I shouldn't feel offended by other peoples own personal struggles with their weight? How dare she take away my right to be offended!

The lesson I took away from that conversation is this: stop f*cking judging people Summer. Oh, and stop making what they're going through about you. In addition to that, I realized that I have used my indignation as a sort of shield or crutch. In a way I want to give myself a bit of a break, because I have been viciously bullied because of my weight, but in that vein there comes a point when I need to stop being a victim.

All of that being said, I've rejoined WW.

So your turn: what's your crutch? Share in the comments!

We're movin' right along!

Date: April 30, 2012
Time: 12:29 pm
Current state: agitated and impatient
Location: My soon to be former residence
Weather: flipping GORGEOUS!

Today's Menu: do my best

I'm doing today's post quick and dirty folks, because it's MOVING DAY! Again! I counted it out the other day, and I have moved 9 times in the last 4 years. I'm moving from the semi-slums of Columbia city to the beautiful urban suburb of West Seattle. I couldn't be more excited. 

I'm currently sitting on my front porch and waiting for the movers, who are 33 minutes late so far. I'll just enjoy my time in the sun. In the mean time I'm contemplating excuses. When things are crazy or stressful, I find myself making excuses for why I shouldn't eat healthy. "I'm too busy/tired to cook", or "I have to work late" or "I'm moving for the third time in a month". I suppose there's always a reason why we can't take the time to take care of ourselves, but aren't we worth the time? 

What challenges do you face when it comes to finding a balance between your busy life and your health? Hit me in the comments section.

Summer out.

Can't win for losing

Date: April 29, 2012
Time: 10:33 am
Current state: Caffeinated
Location: Work
Weather: Bipolar(sunny, cloudy, warm, cold)

Today's Menu:
Morning
Cheerios, skim milk
Coffee w/whole milk and Equal
Mixed nuts
Afternoon
Frozen lunch from TJ's
Bowl of carrots
Whole wheat pretzels
Almonds
Evening
Whole wheat pasta with pesto, artichoke hearts, spinach and tomatoes
Red wine
Square of dark chocolate

I have to start out by thanking everyone that has reached out with words of support and encouragement. It's an important reminder that while even though I am responsible to make a change in my life, I'm not alone. If anyone reading this is thinking about making a change in their life, be it weight-loss, quitting smoking, or taking up the trapeze, surround yourself with a community of people who will support you. No wo/man is an island.

Yesterday a friend on Facebook posted this comic by Paige Hall (original work can be found here):

My reaction to this comic spans across several areas. The first is how we see and compare ourselves to others; be it someone in our everyday lives, or in the media (movies, ads, fashion, etc.). Second is how we feel others see us. Third is unrealistic expectations set by both the male and female gender. I would like to quickly touch on all three:

I would like to say I'm above comparing myself to others, and I would even like to say that I'm above judging others on what they're wearing or how they look. I wish I could say that I don't, but I do. Whether it's judging someone's outfit, or even their weight, I find myself drawing comparisons. It's almost like some sort of evolutional pecking order: the perceived beautiful pick on the less perceived beautiful, and the less perceived beautiful pick on the even less perceived beautiful; otherwise how are we supposed to feel good about ourselves if we don't perceive ourselves as more beautiful than someone else? To that I say: f*ck that sh*t. It's a pretty simplistic approach but an affective one, I feel.

I think back to my 5th grade teacher, Mrs. Carter. I was crying because the kids were teasing me. I told her that the other kids hate me because I don't look like them. She looked at me and said, "That's right, you don't. You're not supposed to! You are exactly the way you are supposed to look, and they are the way they are supposed to look." Wise words, and easily forgotten. My wish for my fellow women is to embrace that ideology: you look the way you are meant to look. You are not supposed to look like Linda Carter. You're not supposed to look like that Victoria's Secret model. You are supposed to look like you. Take care of your body, but also love it as it is.

Summer out.*

*Do you ever find yourself judging others? Reply in the comments section.

Starting over, again...and again...and again...

Date: April 28, 2012
Time: 1:57 pm
Current state: Mildly apprehensive, hungry
Location: Oddfellow's Café, Capitol Hill, Seattle
Weather: Partially cloudy with a cool refreshing breeze

The other day I was perusing through the music catalogue on my Zune (yes, I have a Zune, and I love it), and I stopped on an album I haven't listened to in years: Lit's A Place in the Sun. I started playing "My Own Worst Enemy" and I burst into tears. "It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy/'cuz every now and then I kick the living sh*t out of me".

Over the course of my life, I have slowly learned to hate my own guts. "I'm not smart enough." Idiot. "I'm not very beautiful." Ugly. "I'm fat." Whale. Monster. Pig. Glutton. I am literally in hate with myself. When it comes to my health and body image, I am my own worst enemy.

Back in January I decided that I had let myself go too far, and it was time to start living again. I had gone on a trip with my family to Hawaii, and found that I couldn't do a lot of the things that I wanted to. For instance: walk. Walking from our room to the upper decks was physically spending for me, and I hated myself for it. "You're in Hawaii! You should be able to kayak and swim and run and play! Instead you're sitting by the pool icing your knees because walking is too hard. Whale." My weight was a constant topic of discussion, with my well-meaning family providing tips on what I can do to start losing weight. All I wanted was for the earth to open up and swallow me, so I didn't have to feel like I was a monster anymore. When I got home from Hawaii I had resolved it was time to start over...again.

As far back as I can remember, I haven't gone a single day in my life without thinking about my weight. Every time I take a bite of food I think, "Is this right? Should I be eating?", even if I am hungry. Every time I walk through the office or a public space I see people stare, and I feel embarrassed and angry. I even catch the people I care about staring at my gut.

I have spent a large sum of my life feeling like a circus freak. That is until a couple of weeks ago.

After resolving to take better care of myself after coming home from Hawaii I had started exercising more. I would walk around my neighborhood, go to the pool and do water aerobics, and I was eating better. I was starting to feel good, but my knees weren't. They were progressively getting worse; even when I was sitting or laying down, they really hurt. It had gotten to the point where I couldn't stand without my knees buckling, and I would fall down again. I started walking with crutches so I could still be mobile. When my new insurance kicked in, I finally went to the doctor who looked at me, without even taking an x-ray, and said "You'll feel better when you lose weight." I had weighed myself when I arrived at the doctor's office and found that I had actually lost 30 lbs. since the beginning of the year. I told the doctor that I knew I needed to lose weight, but I can't walk and I'm in pain. She sent me to a specialist. The specialist looked at me, without taking an x-ray, and said "You'll feel better when you lose weight." I burst into tears. I told him that I was trying, that exercising hurt, and that I was in so much pain I felt like I was losing my mind. He gave me cortisone shots, told me to lose weight, see a physical therapist and sent me on my way. I sat in my car and cried for an hour after that.

I had a lot of questions for myself. "How can I lose weight if I can't even move? How did I even get here? How could I let myself get this far? How do I live with myself? Monster. Pig. Whale. Glutton." I had brunch the following week with my cousin, K, and told her what was going on. After that we decided to email each other every day what we were planning on eating. The idea behind it was if I couldn't move, I could at least start being thoughtful about how I am eating, and that could be a start. She even packed snacks for me with times written on the baggies to eat healthy snacks throughout the day.*

One morning when I emailed her what I had for dinner the night before, I was saturated with guilt. I had Burger King for dinner because I worked late and I just wanted a burger. She wrote me back and said two words that completely upended me. "No guilt." What?! No guilt?! I'm not supposed to beat myself up until I hate myself again? That's when it occurred to me: I have spent so much time going on "diets", failing them, and giving up. Diet, fail, give up, hate myself. Diet, fail, give up, hate myself. I have been on a 32 year old downward spiral to where I was: obese and in hate with me.

I spent the rest of my day thinking about the concept of "no guilt". We are trained to beat ourselves up when we deviate from the path or expectations we have set, which almost always leads to a sort of "falling off the wagon". I ate fries, I may as well eat a whole pizza. For me, the concept of "no guilt" means: yes, I tripped up, but that was yesterday, and this is today. To dust off an old colloquialism, "Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater."

Since then I  have started to reconcile with myself. I am neither monster, whale, nor pig. I am who I am. No guilt. That part of my life is over; here begins a new journey. It's not going to be easy, and there will be times that I will stumble, but I'm not going to beat myself up.

This blog is not just a diary of weight loss; my hope for this blog is to become a guide towards self-acceptance, and maybe if I gain some readership, a guide for others as well. Every day I will post my menu and thoughts for the day. I would love for readers to ask questions via either the comment section or Twitter (@summerwaldo). Follow me on this journey, and maybe we'll learn something.

P.S.--I feel like this blog was super heavy today, so I would like to end it with a joke: Two strands of DNA were walking down the street. One says to the other, "Do these genes make me look fat?"

*I love you K.