Yeah, you! The guy who brags that he hasn't had a television in ten years because he likes to "read" "books".
I like to consider myself "literate".
Guess what? This post is not for you.
This is a dedication to the one who raised me.
The one who lit up imagination.
Who babysat me after school.
Who kept me company on those lonely Friday nights...and Saturday nights...and well, all the nights.
You taught me history and current events, that there's no such thing as too much of a good Shonda, the length of the Korean war isn't relevant as long as it's funny, friendship really is magic, and it's okay to sleep with whoever you want to as long as you're on a break--just make sure the other person knows you're on a break.
This was the hardest list to put together. If I had two hypothetical children, I'd probably have an easier time picking which one to sell to the circus than I did putting this list together.
Chloe, you are going to be SUCH a great juggler! Send me Snapchats, 'k?
Here we go...my top 5 favorite TV shows...
#5: America's Got Talent
I hit the buzzer for Heidi all..the...time.
A nationwide talent show. It's more than a karaoke singing competition--it's inviting regular people to come on down and shine a light on whatever out of the box talent they have been hiding under a bushel.
There are few television shows where I have ugly-face cried as hard as I have when I watched a juggler's dream coming true after his brother who taught him how to juggle as a young boy freaking died before his audition.
Yes the judge skits are cheesy, and Pierce Morgan literally had no business whatsoever discerning who does or doesn't have talent, but the heart of the show is what makes me watch every summer.
From watching Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr. go from car washer to million-dollar winning crooner, or Michael Grimm crushing the dreams of an adorable little blonde girl (deservedly so), how can you not roll a tear when you see someone's lifelong dream come to fruition?
Gut. Punching. Talent.
#4: The Cosby Show
Rudy seems to be the only one who knows what's up...
Okay, I know--you don't have to tell me. It's a controversial choice, but--it was my childhood dream to be a member of the Huxtables.
Before you point out that I am as white as the inside of a TaunTaun, I know that the Huxtables are an African American family. I loved them because they were fun but real. The kids made stupid mistakes and their parents were able to set them straight without shaming them, raising their voices, or hitting them. Cliff was an idiot but also a beloved doctor. Claire...you guys--Claire.
I wanted Claire to be my mom so badly. She adored her kids but also loved her career and life outside her home. She was the moral center and rock of the show and looked so good while doing it. She didn't resent motherhood and didn't resent working hard. Claire Huxtable is one of the most well-written women in television history.
Also, who didn't want to be a member of the Huxtables when they lip-synched Night Time is the Right Time?
The night time is definitely not the right time for you Bill. Day light meetings with witnesses only please.
#3: Game of Thrones
Okay, I know this isn't from the show, but I've never felt so right.
Okay, I know this isn't from the show, but I've never felt so right.
I'll admit, I almost gave up on this one after the very first episode. My knee-jerk opinion was that whoever wrote these books must fucking hate women. It struck me as a little too--rapey?
Gradually over time sisters starting doing it for themselves. You got the Khaleesi with her freaking dragons crossing the sea, the Girl With No Name who has a name again, the new Queen of Winterfell, and the terrifying new Queen of King's Landing.
Oh, uh--spoiler alert.
Aside from the obvious drawing you in and making you love a character only to have them killed off in a manner too brutal for Buffalo Bill, the return of badassery every year has me tingling with excitement.
Valar morgulis mothereffers.
Valar dohaeris too you guys--valar dohaeris!
#2: The Thick of It
Before he was The Doctor, he was terrifying.
You have never heard of this show. Please, please, please rectify this. If you love Veep, then you'll love this even more. The whole series is on Hulu--you have no excuse.
What Veep lacks in characters that are horrible people who remain unlikable, Thick of It has characters that are horrible people that you can't help but love.
One of the greatest characters--of all time and on the show--is Malcolm Tucker, played by actual Oscar winner and current The Doctor, Peter Capaldi. Modeled after Alastair Campbell, who is the British version of Karl Rove or Rahm Emmanuel. He's the enforcer of the Prime Minister who terrifies cabinet ministers into walking the party line, and he does it with foaming at the mouth gusto.
Even better is that they cuss and insult each other with the eloquence of Shakespeare, so I'll stop gushing and I'll let you just soak in some of my favorite quotes:
"He's so useless--he's absolutely useless--he's as useless as a marzipan dildo!"
"When I want your advice I'll give you the signal--which is me getting sectioned under the Mental Health Act."
"I will tear your fucking-Rhapsody. Right?"
"That guy is an epic fuck-up. He's so dense that light bends around him."
And my favorite that--if I were a meaner person--I'd love to say to another person as a means of getting out of a conversation:
"I'd love to stop and chat with you but I'd rather have type 2 diabetes."
#1: 30 Rock
#OtherSquadGoals. I can have more than one squad.
Liz Lemon. Tracy Jordan. Jack Donaghy. Jenna Mulroney. Kenneth the Page.
I have lost count of how many times I have re-watched this show from start to end. After awhile it became part of my bedtime routine--I would fall asleep watching 30 Rock and dream of strip club karaoke with Tracey.
I can't begin to describe all the reasons why I love this show in a short blog post.
In short, it's one of the greatest ensemble comedy casts of all time--on par with M*A*S*H, Cheers, and the highly underrated Arrested Development.
It also contains all the answers to life.
How was that party? "Purr-fect--like a cat birthday!"
Someone getting you down? "High-fiving a million angels!"
Should you do the dishes? "I would love to do the dishes, but I'm in character, and if you make me do the dishes I WILL KILL MYSELF!!!"
Cramps got you down? "All women menstruating go home immediately!"
Need to get everyone's attention? "Listen up fives--a ten is talking."
Should I get a professional haircut? "D'Fwan--glue in my business weave."
Should I catch up on sleep on the plane? "I don't sleep on planes--I don't want to get incepted."
Is it time for rehearsal? "I'm not going to rehearse. I'm going to get a sandwich and then eat it on the toilet."
Is Global Warming really a problem? "There was a cyclone in Brooklyn last year--it destroyed two t-shirt shops and a banjo."
Is the audience unsatisfied with my performance? "Your boos are not scaring me! I know most of you are not ghosts!"
Do you want to go there? "I want to go to there."
Are you so frustrated there are no words to describe how you feel? "BLERGH!"
And so on...
See Day 7.
Hit me in the comments! What's your top five?