Monday, May 6, 2013

End of the Rainbow

Date: May 6, 2013 Time: 12:28 pm
Current state: Moo

Location: The Office
Weather: Perdy

Today's menu :
Kashi GoLean Crunch (hate it, never getting it again
Honey Greek Yoghurt
Coffee w/milk
Frozen lunch (chicken enchilada w/rice)
Bowl of carrots
Banana Chips
Chicken stir fry
Lo fat/cal ice cream

When I was about 5 years old we lived in Colorado Springs, a city at the base of the Rocky Mountains. Whenever there was a rainstorm, it was always followed by a spectacular rainbow. I recall asking my mother as we were driving one day if we could go to the rainbow. She said, "You can't touch a rainbow. No matter how far you go, you will never get close to it." Psh. Say that to a 5 year old, and it is not a deterrent; it is a challenge. One afternoon I saw a rainbow, hopped on my Big Wheel (why aren't there Big Wheels for adults?), and started pedaling towards it. I don't recall exactly for how long I pedaled, or how far, but it was way too far for a 5 year old girl to be away from home on her own. Needless to say, my mother was right: you can never touch a rainbow. Rainbow Bright was a lie.

So what does this anecdote from my childhood have to do with my health goals? Whelp, I'll tell you. I went to my first WW (Weight Watchers) meeting on Friday afternoon. It was actually a great meeting, lead by a lovely facilitator and a group that was sufficiently interactive. When I was checking in, the gal who helped me pointed out my 5% and 10% weight loss goals. According to WW, and to doctors, losing at least 10% of your body weight can make a huge positive impact on your health. In WW, all milestones are 10%; you lose 10%, you celebrate and lose another 10%, and so on, until you reach a healthy weight within your BMI (Body Mass Index).

All my life I have fantasized about how wonderful my life would be if I were thin. More people would like me and want to be friends with me. I would be able to attract a partner. I wouldn't have to get a seatbelt extender on an airplane, and even comfortably fit into a seat. I could ride amusement park rides again. These days my fantasies are simpler; like, go for a walk without cringing from the pain.

I say fantasize because the idea of being "thin" has always felt like an unobtainable goal. At this moment I see that this is probably a defeatist attitude, but go with me on this: when am I going to be thin enough? I remember saying to my ex once that even if I did lose all of this extra body fat, I will always be fat in my head. She didn't understand so I explained: if I shed all of these extra pounds and get down to 125 pounds, I will not stop being me. I will still be the kid who was brutally bullied. I'll still be the person who would get stared at in the halls at work. I'll still be the woman on the plane that the person sitting next to wanted to be moved away from. I'll still be the person that doesn't want to date out of fear that nobody will be attracted to me. Changing my body will never take away the experiences that came with having "that body" to begin with. It will come with minor conveniences, but at what point does the mental/emotional weight-loss begin?

Pretty heavy for a Monday, I know. So the question for the day: how to you ditch your emotional baggage? Hit me in the comments.

Summer out.

1 comment:

jen said...

When you told me your potential news on Sunday, this is one thought that went through my head. I have heard of too many people who lose a lot of weight, but still never feel thin.... Also when you go on diets* you lose the comfort of food as a coping mechanism, and it can cause a lot of stuff to come up when you take a coping mechanism away. Something to think about.

I'm not sure we ever ditch the emotional baggage. That's why, I think, that instead of dieting the most important thing is to find love and acceptance for yourself-regardless of weight.

I know that it is a matter of health and mobility for you, but I think it starts with major work on finding a way to truly love yourself. And it does take work. With other people helping you. It might take longer than dieting*, but in the long run it will be more rewarding and truly create change in your life (in my belief).

*diets= when unable to eat comforting foods or food in general.