Friday, May 31, 2013

Fabulous Friday?



Date: May 31, 2013 Time: 3:41 pm
Current state: Cautiously optimistic
Location: The Office
Weather: Sunny...for the moment


Today's menu:
Morning
Greek yogurt w/blueberries* and granola
Coffee
Afternoon
Frozen lunch (curried beef w/veg)
Almonds
Apple
Evening
Cele's Meal
Wine

Here were are again; it's Friday. Friday, the day I declared which will be specially reserved for positivity and self-confidence building. Well, remember how I went to Portland last weekend, and basically ate and drank my way through the city? It turns out actions have consequences. I went to my weekly WW meeting today and weighed in at the beginning. I had no fantasies that I had lost weight in this last week; not only did I manage to splurge this weekend on rich eating and drinking, but I did a lot of emotional eating this week. When the gal at the counter handed me my weigh-in card, I felt all of the pats on the back I've been giving myself cash themselves in for a refund. I somehow managed to gain back 5 pounds in the last week, which is bad and impressive all at once.

I will or I will die trying!

The meeting moderator wanted to talk about triggers today: why do we eat when we're not hungry? I told her that last week I had gone on a trip to Portland and spent the weekend with friends. We hit several restaurants and enjoyed treats at all of them. She asked me what I could do to shift this behavior. I told her I could enjoy the company of my friends more than I enjoyed the company of the food. She looked at me and raised her eyebrows as if to say "Yup."

I got eyebrow smacked. HARD.

We also talked about emotional eating and triggers. I wrote down that I tend to eat when I'm sad, stressed, angry or lonely. Or happy. Or indifferent. Or breathing. I then wrote down what I could do when I'm finding myself sad, bored or lonely and I want to avoid over-eating. That stumped me. I could just try and not be sad/bored/lonely, but brains are more complex than that. The moderator said I should reach out for help. Call a friend or family member, talk about it, go for a walk, etc. Asking for help is not something I enjoy doing for all kinds of reasons I won't deep dive into; let's just say I like to stay on an even ground in my relationships. That's not to say I've never asked for help before, or ungrateful for the help that I received. That being said, no wo/man is an island. Something to think about.

"Summer!", I can hear you say. "Isn't today 'Fabulous Friday'?" Well yes, dear reader(s), it is! So I'm going to take a big drink of cheer-the-f***-up and try and end this week on a high note. We fall down but we get back up and on that horse folks!

Here we go; this week's 3 things I like about myself:

1. I am very self-aware.
2. I am always willing to try new things. I might not like them (i.e.--scotch, a.k.a. stuff that burns/tastes like hot lava), but I'm proud I tried.
3. I am an excellent navigator, and when I do get lost I don't get mad; it's always an adventure.

Your turn: what are three things you like about yourself? Hit me in the comments and please write me HERE if you are having trouble with the comments section. I need to know so I can make Blogger fix it.

Summer out. Bon weekend!

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

FA-Q's



Date: May 29, 2013 Time: 1:54 am
Current state: Thoughtful
Location: The Office
Weather: Taupe


Today's menu:
Morning
Greek yogurt w/blueberries* and granola
Coffee
Afternoon
Frozen lunch (salmon w/veg)
Carrots
Apple
Evening
Cele's Meal
Wine

*I bought fresh blueberries again this morning and put them in the frig at work, with my name on them this time, in hope that they won't be stolen again. If they do, I'm going to buy more blueberries and put a note on them that reads "I have spit all over these", and you know what? I will.

Yesterday I mentioned that I've decided to get gastric bypass surgery. Ever since first hearing about it about 15-ish years ago it has been something that I have thought about on and off. My reactions were a mixture of "Oh lord that sounds terrifying" to "Oh that's the easy way out Summer, go to Weight Watchers and for the love of God don't turn into that Taco Bell!" That being said, I've done it all, and yet here I am, still struggling and feeling at the lowest point in my health history.

For the last 33 years of my life, which is about how long I've been alive, I have struggled with weight. We've already gone over that, so I'll spare you regaling the psychological and physical trauma that has come with it, again. After careful thought, weighing the pro's and con's, talking it over with friends who have been through it, and attending a workshop run by a gastroenterologist, my final conclusion was that bypass surgery was my best option.

I have found that gastric bypass comes with a lot of questions, comments, and very strong reactions, so I wanted to take time today to address them.

What is Gastric Bypass/Lapband/Gastric Sleeve?

I'm going to explain these in "Summer terms", rather than medical terms, that way we can all follow along.

Gastric Bypass is when the tube that is connected to your stomach is disconnected, and reconnected to your small intestine with a fancy little pouch for a stomach; what this does is basically give you less room to digest, so you get full hella fast. Basically, instead of taking the long way around, your food is being express laned on a single lane highway, rather than 4 lanes.
I like visual aids, especially since the way I explain things is way weird.

Lapband Surgery is when something kind of like those zip-ties that cops use to handcuff protestors is tied around the stomach, making it smaller. There is a port installed in the abdomen connected to the band that is used to fill the band with saline solution, either making it tighter or loose. This is the BMW of gastric surgeries, because after getting it, you have to have it maintenanced frequently

If I'm going to have a port installed in my body, it's going to be a USB port to charge my iPhone.
 

The Gastric Sleeve is essentially down grading from a 3 bedroom to a studio; a large portion of the stomach is removed, thus making the stomach smaller. This surgery is fairly new, and doesn't have a lot of long-term research. I am not an early adaptor in technology nor gastric surgeries. I have known people that it has been successful for so far, but they're trailblazers; I'm a trail follower.

I call this the Google+ of gastric surgeries: successful among early adaptors, but it's not highly advisable to use.
 

All of these surgeries are done laparoscopically, and it looks a lot like the alien abortion scene from Prometheus. I might have it filmed and send it to Ridley Scott.

Isn't Gastric Bypass the easy way out?

Did you not read my previous answer? Does getting your insides rerouted sound easy? Please go watch the alien abortion scene from Prometheus right now. I'll wait................did that look easy?? No? Yeah, I didn't think it did either. This is an option for people who have tried many weight loss options and are at the end of their tether, but this is by no means easy. There are long-term side effects of gastric bypass:

1) Dumping, which is basically when your blood sugar gets turned up to 11, and then goes from 11 to 1 very quickly, which can cause dizziness/fainting, vomiting, and general discomfort.
2) Bypass patients have to take nutritional supplements for pretty much forever.
3) Should someone who has bypass mistakenly overeat, they can throw up. There's actually a lot of throwing up in post-bypass life.
4) Hair loss. Let me say that again. Hair. Loss. Have you seen my hair? It's beautiful. It's instrumental in framing my angelic face. Have you seen my face? It's freaking angelic!
5) There's a slight risk for death, which is less than ideal, and very much a long-term side effect.

So if you have read this and still feel this is the "easy way", please read the title of this post phonetically.

Have you tried dieting/exercise/Weight Watchers/Jenny Craig/Nutrislim/shakes/Atkins/Paleo/Crossfit/wiring your jaw shut?

I'll answer these in line:
  • -Dieting and exercise? Freaking duh, of course I have.
  • Weight Watchers? Yes, it's a helpful tool, and I'll probably continue to use it post surgery if I start to plateau in my weight loss.
  • Jenny Craig? No, it's too expensive.
  • Nutraslim? No, it's not only too expensive but I don't want to live on nasty, overly-processed foods. If you want pre-made meals, go to Cele's Meals. They're amazing.
  • Atkins? No, I have a high risk of cardiac disease in my family and Atkins is notoriously high cholesterol and high fat. That and Atkins is stupid.
  • Paleo? The average life expectancy of Paleolithic man is 35 years old, and woman 33. The common causes of death were environment and diet. So no, I don't want to. That being said, there are some very tasty Paleo recipes!
  • Crossfit? I tried Crossfit for a week. Did you know that Crossfit is really freakin' hard? Like, really really hard. I injured myself on the 3rd session. I bow at the feet of anyone who can do Crossfit, but it isn't for me. I am far too delicate a flower.
  • Wiring my jaw shut? This is something I was teased with in my young life, by my obese parents, so that was cool. That being said: no.
Are you looking forward to having the perfect life after surgery?

So here's the deal: gastric bypass surgery is not a cure-all answer for a lifetime of obesity. Yes, it is a tool to put a person on the road towards having a healthier life, but the journey doesn't end there. It not only comes with physical work, but psychological work as well. When I left the bypass seminar I went to a couple of weeks ago, I went home and had a good long cry. I had so many questions.
  • When will I be thin enough?
  • What is thin enough?
  • Will people start being nicer to me when I'm thin?
  • If people are nicer to me after losing a lot of weight, will I resent them for not being nicer to me when I was overweight?
  • When will someone be attracted to me?
  • Will I always wonder if they would have been attracted to me when I was overweight?
  • When can I stop hating my body?
  • When am I allowed to stop hating myself?
These are all questions that I will clearly need to address with a counselor. I have many years of psychological bashing that needs undoing, and bypass surgery isn't going to fix it. I am very aware of this.

When are you having surgery?

At the moment there is all kinds of red tape I need to break before I get the surgery. I have to go through insurance to find out exactly how much of the surgery they will cover. I have to go to doctors to provide proof of medical necessity that I need this surgery, and  I need to find the right surgeon (or the one that my insurance will let me use, which is hopefully one with a real medical degree from a real school, and not like, online). It could be as far out as fall before I have the surgery, which is fine because I want to enjoy the summer.

Is this blog post over yet?

Congratulations, you have made it to the end of this blog post. If you have hung in this far, pat yourself on the back. If you haven't, then you clearly are not reading this, in which case you are a stinky doo-doo head. Just kidding, you're not a stinky doo-doo head! You're probably doing something like working, which is highly advisable.

Summer out.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Food Hangover



Date: May 28, 2013 Time: 3:56 am
Current state: Post-vacation withdrawal
Location: The Office
Weather: Indecisive




Today's menu :
Morning
*sigh* Chex Mix
Starbucks drip coffee
Afternoon
Chipotle Salad (lettuce, black beans, chicken, fajita veggies, salsa and guacamole)
Evening
Cele's Meal
Wine


Decadent is not a strong enough word to describe my three day Memorial weekend. There was very little remembrance, mostly due to the over-consumption of alcohol and rich, delicious treats. Portland, you are both my friend and foe.

I had an incredible weekend spent with friends down in Portland. Together we hit several eating and drinking establishments, relaxed, laughed, enjoyed Powell's, and all the hipster haven could offer. The ride home included a drive to Cannon Beach, getting lost on a random peninsula, getting stuck in the sand, and going potty on the beach. Surprisingly alcohol was not involved, just a series of unwise decisions.

We were at the green dot...we were supposed to be at the red dot. I have no regrets.

 

I had meant to write on Friday before the long weekend; unfortunately getting ready for the long weekend didn't allow enough time to write. There are a couple of things that I would like to share:
 
1) I have been going to WW meetings regularly and it has been very beneficial this time around. The leader is extremely encouraging and is very relatable. I've also managed to connect with the other regular attendees and I've found it to be an excellent source of support. Since I've started going to meetings on May 10th I've lost 12 pounds. While this is a pebble in the ocean of weight I need to lose to be healthy again, I'm going to take this victory. (I'm also going to pray I didn't manage to put it all back on this weekend)
 
2) After a lot of thought and research I have decided to get gastric bypass surgery. This decision comes with a lot of emotions, two of which are the most prevalent are hope and fear. Hope that this will be a life-changing experience for the better, and fear of judgment. At this point I'm going through the stages of researching insurance coverage and consulting with a doctor to start this process. I'm looking forward to talk more about this in future posts.
 
For now I'll sign off with a question: How was your weekend?
 
Summer out.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Missing in Inaction


Date: May 23, 2013 Time: 4:46 pm
Current state: Snarky-Snarkerson

Location: The Office
Weather: Grey


Today's menu :
Morning
Granola
Honey Greek Yoghurt
Apple
Coffee w/milk
Afternoon
Frozen lunch (salmon w/veg)
Bowl of carrots w/hummus
Banana chips
Evening
Pulled Pork Salad from Cele's Meals (be jealous)
Wine
Lo fat/cal ice cream
I wish I could say I had a good excuse for not writing, like work has been busy, or my social/family life has been overly demanding. I wish I could say that, but I can't. That's not to say life has been completely banal and uneventful, but I just haven't been taking the time to focus on writing. That time has been dedicated to falling into hours long Buzzfeed black holes. Don't tell me it could never happen to you!

So let's catch up, eh? How are you? What's going on in your life? OH really? That's so crazy! I told you she was nuts.

Me? Oh well, what's happened since we last talked...

I went to my 2nd WW meeting on  May 10th and I lost 5.2 pounds after my first week on WW. So that's a victory!

I turned 33 on May 12th. It was on Mother's day, so I spent the evening before with my lovely friends, who lavished me with their amazing singing and some amazing gifties. I spent my birthday with my cousins getting mani-pedis and went home and had some...um...herbal tea? Totally legal herbal tea. This lead to the bad decision of ordering a small pepperoni pizza from Paggliaci's and consuming all of it. All. Of. It. Do I have regrets? Ask me when I go to my next WW meeting.

By the way, I am proud to say that at 33 I don't have any grey hairs yet. That being said, I'm getting hella white eyebrows. What's the deal with that??

A couple days after my birthday I made a huge decision, which I will write about tomorrow.

I got bronchitis. Boo-hoo-poor-me. When I get sick I tend to get very introspective, and I think about relationships and loneliness and feel very very sorry for myself. The government should start a home nurse program for sad singletons who get sick and just need someone to bring them soup, sing them a song and kiss their eyelids. I don't think that's a very big ask.

I've started giving creative answers to people who ask what is wrong with my knees. So far I have: I didn't repay my mob debts; I went skydiving and my parachute didn't open; I was in a gang-fight; Obamacare; my part-time job on Aurora Ave.; knee gnomes. That's all so far, but I'm taking suggestions.

Today's question: what do you do when you find yourself losing focus?

Thursday, May 9, 2013

There's always room for all the chocolate.


Date: May 9, 2013 Time: 11:54 am
Current state: Alert

Location: The Hallway
Weather: Froggy


Today's menu :
Morning
Kashi GoLean Crunch (I'll be amazed if I have teeth by the end of this week)
Honey Greek Yoghurt
Coffee w/milk
Afternoon
Vegan lunch from catering
Apple
Gum
Evening
Chicken and veg
Beer
Lo fat/cal ice cream

Today I am poised in the hallway outside of a conference room, making sure an all day conference runs on time, so I'm coming at you from a cozy couch. I think I'm just going to work here every day.

Today I was reading Jezebel (btw, if you're a woman and you don't read it, you should) and I found an article on a new study from Michigan State University linking binge eating and women. To summarize the best way this non-science person can, their research in lab rats found that female rats tended to binge more than male rats; this is because food (especially sweets) made the pleasure center of the female rat brains go "Oh f&*$ yeah!!!" more so than the male rat brains.

This is your brain on chocolate.

If you want a more scientific explanation, go read the study.

Unfortunately due to lack of time and general work busy-ness (I started writing this at 11:30 and it's now after 2:00) I can't really write a long response, but I would like to say gee-thanks-a-lot-and-screw-you to science for continued inequality between the genders. Not only do women get the joy of experiencing menstruation and childbirth, and should a transgender female want to transition to male she won't get to have a functioning no-no (while a man transitioning to a female can totally get a lovely and fully functioning yoni...I really don't know why this is bothering me so much...SO off-topic), now we are genetically predisposed to stuff our faces?? Well F that S.

So let's hear it ladies! I want to know your thoughts on the subject: do you feel women tend to binge more than men? Hit me in the comments, and if you can't, email me here and I'll post your feedback tomorrow.

Summer out.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

The Banality of Adulthood


Date: May 8, 2013 Time: 2:29 pm
Current state: Restless

Location: The Office
Weather: Greeey


Today's menu :
Morning
Kashi GoLean Crunch
Honey Greek Yoghurt
Coffee w/milk
Afternoon
Frozen lunch (chicken and veggie potstickers w/rice and veg)
Bowl of carrots
Banana Chips
Apple
Gum
Evening
Chicken stir fry
Beer
Lo fat/cal ice cream

The above video has been making it's way around the social network today. I didn't really want to watch it, mostly because I was worried it was another "Kony-esque" video that will inspire me for about 15 minutes until internet truth mongers start picking it apart,  thus deflating my give-a-damn. I decided to watch it after Gawker told me to (because I always do what Gawker tells me to), and I found myself connecting to what David Foster Wallace was saying.

If you haven't watched it yet, I really encourage you to.

Go ahead.

I'll wait.

Done? Okay.

I think everyone will draw their own "moral to the story" from Wallace's speech, but here's what I got: we have the opportunity to control how we react to the banality of every day life. I say opportunity because how we react to several every-day scenarios is an opportunity to learn and grow. It can also be a missed opportunity which puts us on the same banal track we've been traveling on. In short: listen more, judge less, never stop learning and your life will be a kaleidoscope rather than a daily chore.

The message is especially poignant considering the source: David Foster Wallace suffered crippling depression, which lead to his eventual suicide; yet his message is disarmingly sanguine. Perhaps it was the way he wished the world could be, so we could cope with one another a little better.

I know today's post is a little off-topic, but perhaps it's not.

So tell me: how do you cope? What do you, or can you, do to break up the every-day? Hit me in the comments.

Summer out.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

To toss or not to toss: clothes are the question.

Date: May 7, 2013 Time: 12:06 pm
Current state: Optimistic

Location: The Office
Weather: Blue skies in one window and grey skies in another

Today's menu :
Morning
Kashi GoLean Crunch (seriously, I only eat it because it's high in fiber, but it's like granola that's been shellacked)
Honey Greek Yoghurt
Coffee w/milk
Afternoon
Frozen lunch (chicken tamale w/rice)
Bowl of carrots
Banana Chips
Apple
Gum
Evening
Chicken stir fry
Beer
Lo fat/cal ice cream

Having just recently moved, I am gob-smacked by the amount of stuff I have. I have always considered myself a minimalist, but every box I open is like opening an inconvenient gift that I need to find room for. My biggest inconvenience? My clothes. I'm not really a clothes horse, but I do have a hard time parting older clothes. I am especially struggling with parting with items that no longer fit me, due to my weight gain.

I have read conflicting articles on the subject of keeping and not keeping clothes that no longer fit. Articles that are for keeping say they are a great motivator to help achieve weight-loss goals. The opposing articles say that they have negative connotations and could demotivate and distract; in addition, it could ultimately lead to disappointment because you may never be that size again.

I realize I need to part with a lot of old things, especially my powder blue suit because...well...powder blue suit; but that being said, I have some amazing old jeans, dresses and other things that I would love to keep so I could wear them again. My concern: should I?

What do you do if you outgrow your clothes? Keep or toss? Hit me in the comments!

Summer out.

Monday, May 6, 2013

End of the Rainbow



Date: May 6, 2013 Time: 12:28 pm
Current state: Moo

Location: The Office
Weather: Perdy



Today's menu :
Morning
Kashi GoLean Crunch (hate it, never getting it again
Honey Greek Yoghurt
Coffee w/milk
Afternoon
Frozen lunch (chicken enchilada w/rice)
Bowl of carrots
Banana Chips
Apple
Gum
Evening
Chicken stir fry
Beer
Lo fat/cal ice cream

When I was about 5 years old we lived in Colorado Springs, a city at the base of the Rocky Mountains. Whenever there was a rainstorm, it was always followed by a spectacular rainbow. I recall asking my mother as we were driving one day if we could go to the rainbow. She said, "You can't touch a rainbow. No matter how far you go, you will never get close to it." Psh. Say that to a 5 year old, and it is not a deterrent; it is a challenge. One afternoon I saw a rainbow, hopped on my Big Wheel (why aren't there Big Wheels for adults?), and started pedaling towards it. I don't recall exactly for how long I pedaled, or how far, but it was way too far for a 5 year old girl to be away from home on her own. Needless to say, my mother was right: you can never touch a rainbow. Rainbow Bright was a lie.

So what does this anecdote from my childhood have to do with my health goals? Whelp, I'll tell you. I went to my first WW (Weight Watchers) meeting on Friday afternoon. It was actually a great meeting, lead by a lovely facilitator and a group that was sufficiently interactive. When I was checking in, the gal who helped me pointed out my 5% and 10% weight loss goals. According to WW, and to doctors, losing at least 10% of your body weight can make a huge positive impact on your health. In WW, all milestones are 10%; you lose 10%, you celebrate and lose another 10%, and so on, until you reach a healthy weight within your BMI (Body Mass Index).

All my life I have fantasized about how wonderful my life would be if I were thin. More people would like me and want to be friends with me. I would be able to attract a partner. I wouldn't have to get a seatbelt extender on an airplane, and even comfortably fit into a seat. I could ride amusement park rides again. These days my fantasies are simpler; like, go for a walk without cringing from the pain.

I say fantasize because the idea of being "thin" has always felt like an unobtainable goal. At this moment I see that this is probably a defeatist attitude, but go with me on this: when am I going to be thin enough? I remember saying to my ex once that even if I did lose all of this extra body fat, I will always be fat in my head. She didn't understand so I explained: if I shed all of these extra pounds and get down to 125 pounds, I will not stop being me. I will still be the kid who was brutally bullied. I'll still be the person who would get stared at in the halls at work. I'll still be the woman on the plane that the person sitting next to wanted to be moved away from. I'll still be the person that doesn't want to date out of fear that nobody will be attracted to me. Changing my body will never take away the experiences that came with having "that body" to begin with. It will come with minor conveniences, but at what point does the mental/emotional weight-loss begin?

Pretty heavy for a Monday, I know. So the question for the day: how to you ditch your emotional baggage? Hit me in the comments.

Summer out.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Feeling Fabulous Friday

THIS! IS! FRIDAY!

Date: May 3, 2013 Time: 1:47 pm
Current state: Bouncy (I have to potty!)
Location: The Office
Weather: Luminous



Today's menu :
Morning
Pumpkin Flax Granola
Honey Greek Yoghurt
Apple
Afternoon
Frozen lunch (Cod w/Ratatouille)
Greek Salad
Banana Chips
Apple (if I get hungry)
Gum
Evening
(unpacking tonight)
Probably Pho again
Beer
Chocolate Square

*Note: I'm sorry some of ya'll are having trouble with the comments section. Tech support recommends going here for help. If the comments section is still being a nag and you want to ask a question or drop a comment, feel free to email me here and we'll cover it the next day.

Happy Feeling Fabulous Friday y'all! I've decided that I wanted to make Friday's blog posts focused on the positive. Eliminate the negative, so to speak.

I have never been to an Alcoholics/Narcotics/Over-Eaters Anonymous meeting, but from I understand people who go tend to focus on all of their negative behaviors and the consequences of their actions. While I think it's good to reflect on bad behavior + action = consequence, we should also take some time to celebrate the fact that we, being multi-faceted human beings, have something positive to put out into the world as well. Everybody has value and something to live for.

I used to have a friend who told me if I ever said anything bad about myself I had to say 3 nice things about myself after that. I couldn't believe how hard it was, every single time, to come up with 3 nice things to say about myself. I have talked to a lot of friends and have found that almost all of them, especially my female friends, struggle with the same thing.

All that being said, Feeling Fabulous Friday is exactly for that. I'm going to share 3 things I like about myself, every Friday, and I would like for you to share as well, in the comments section.

So here's this week's 3:

1. I like my green eyes.
2. I make a kick-ass blackened salmon.
3. I am an excellent defensive driver.

Okay, your turn! Share your 3 in the comments!

Summer out.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

The food of my enemy is my enemy.

image source: McDonald's. Please don't sue me.
 

Date: May 2, 2013 Time: 11:27 am
Current state: Unfocused
Location: The Office
Weather: Supe's pretty


Today's menu :
*SIGH* McDonald's Egg White Delight McMuffin, a hash brown, and a coffee
Afternoon
 (running to Trader Joe's)
Frozen Lunch
Salad
Apple
Evening
Chicken Pho
Beer
1 square of chocolate

Oh McDonald's, how do you always manage to place yourself right in my commute path?

This morning I was (as usual) running late, and hungry. In my new neighborhood there is a McDonald's just a couple blocks from where I live, and as I was driving by this morning I saw a sign for their new Egg White Delight McMuffin. This is literally just a regular Egg McMuffin without a yolk and white cheese instead of yellow. All this being said, I thought to myself, "Oh, that's healthier!", and turned into the drive-thru. I ordered the Egg White Delight McMuffin and a cup of coffee, and the person taking my order asked if I wanted to make it a combo. Here's how that conversation went between the angel and the devil on my shoulder:

Devil: Ooo, if you get the combo you'll get the hash-brown!

Angel: You don't need the hash-brown, the sandwich and coffee is plenty.

Devil: Oh, but it's so much more cost effective if you get the combo.

Angel: But you're still paying more money to eat deep fried, genetically engineered potato cake. AND you know you'll get a stomach ache from eating all this heavy food.

Devil: Mmm, deep fried genetically engineered potato cake - *drooool*

So I got the combo. I ate my breakfast while sitting in traffic on the West Seattle bridge, and just as the angel on my shoulder said, I had an immediate stomach ache.

Before anyone asks: Yes, I have seen Super Size Me. No, I have not seen Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead (and I don't plan to). Yes, I know that McDonald's is the epitome of everything wrong with health in America. I get it, I get it, I get it. It's just so. Darn. CONVENIENT.

My problem is that I wasn't prepared. I knew I was out of breakfast items at work (which I'm replenishing today), and I was going to have to hit the ground running when I got in. As my father always said, "Poor preparation is the perfect path to panic", and when I don't plan ahead, or in this case when I don't have what I need on hand, I make bad choices.

So, lesson learned. That was then, this is now. No guilt. Learn, move on.

What's your temptation when you're not prepared? Share in the comments!

Summer out.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

You have the right to remain indignant...

Date: May 1, 2013
Time: 2:21 pm
Current state: Ruminatin'
Location: The Office
Weather: Unfairly beautiful


Today's menu (started late today):
Morning
White Americano from Starbucks (Grande Americano w/2 pumps white mocha and a splash of half & half)
Starbucks ham breakfast sandwich
1/4 cup almonds
serving of banana chips
Afternoon
Trader Joe's Fusilli Pesto Pasta
Trader Joe's Honey Wheat Pretzel Sticks
Gum
Evening
(Meeting friends at Ma Kai in Alki)
Beer
Tacos
1 square of chocolate

Two things: 1) For everyone who asked, the move went GREAT! The movers were fast and friendly (which is the name of their business, Fast and Friendly Movers), and I'm so excited about my new place and roomie. 2) I am LOVING reading everyone's comments and I will do my super best to go back and reply to all of them. 3) (okay three things, I lied) Please share my blog. I really want to not only gain a readership, but to meet different people through this medium with different experiences.

I've been using my crutches on and off since my knee problems have escalated. I tend to use them when I'm out and about and have to walk long distances. When I'm at work a lot of people ask what's wrong and I decided awhile ago that I wanted to answer honestly: I'm having knee problems. Their follow up question is, "How long do you need the crutches?", and my answer is "When I get better." They ask, "How long will it take?" and I say, "However long it takes for me to lose weight." This always leads to a longer conversation about health, fitness, diets, and advice about what works for them or their friend/family member/coworker/dog/etc. There was a time when these conversations made me want to punch a daisy in the face, because even though the other party is always extremely well-intention-ed, a non-obese person trying to relate to my obesity problem has always made me uncomfortable.

Cut to lunch today. A coworker walked up to me in the kitchen and asked me the usual line of questioning about my knees, and it went as expected. She then brought up how a friend of hers uses Weight Watchers and how beneficial it is to them -

I'm going to cut from this conversation to explain my own personal experiences with WW (Weight Watchers). WW and I go WAY back. At the encouragement of an old coworker back in Colorado, I started going to meetings when I was 23. It started out great; I lost a lot of weight very quickly at first, and I was more conscious of what I was putting in my body. Then the cost of the monthly dues started catching up with me. To an hourly employee making $13 an hour, $40 a month is a lot of money. I stopped using it and inevitably gained all of it and more back.

Flash forward 5 years when my ex-wife and I decided to join again. It went extremely well this time and I ended up losing 90 pounds. When we broke up I stopped going because I no longer had a shared income, and again: to an hourly employee, $40 a month is a lot of money.

Flash forward 3 years: I gained back all of the weight I lost and a whole bunch more, which prompted me to join WW again. I went to one meeting. I was the last person to arrive at check-in, so I was there to hear the women loudly checking in all of the other meeting members ahead of me, most of which were new members. I was the only obese person. Two of the women in line, who were new, were tall and very thin; the counselor who checked them in told them according to their BMI they don't need to lose weight, but they can still attend the meeting. Another new member said she just wanted to lose 15 pounds. I went into the meeting and I was shocked by the judgmental stares I was receiving. I always thought of WW as a sort of AA, where people who are struggling with their weight could go to a non-judgmental environment to discuss coping/managing their weight problems. I had never before felt more uncomfortable in a WW meeting than I did that night. After that, I quit again. I decided that WW's focus has shifted not just to those who are genuinly struggling with weight loss, but for those who want to casually lose 15 or so pounds.

Flash forward  1 year to today's conversation, where I am still ferociously clinging to my indignation...

I told my coworker how I stopped going to WW, because I felt it was no longer for people who weren't struggling weight, but for people who casually wanted to lose a little bit of weight, how I felt judged, blah-blah-blah. Then she said, "Well it's a shame you felt judged, but it's not good to assume with other people's experiences are. They're going through their own experience." What?! Did she just tell me that I shouldn't feel offended by other peoples own personal struggles with their weight? How dare she take away my right to be offended!

The lesson I took away from that conversation is this: stop f*cking judging people Summer. Oh, and stop making what they're going through about you. In addition to that, I realized that I have used my indignation as a sort of shield or crutch. In a way I want to give myself a bit of a break, because I have been viciously bullied because of my weight, but in that vein there comes a point when I need to stop being a victim.

All of that being said, I've rejoined WW.

So your turn: what's your crutch? Share in the comments!