There's always room for all the chocolate.



Date: May 9, 2013 Time: 11:54 am
Current state: Alert
Location: The Hallway
Weather: Froggy

Today's menu :
Morning
Kashi GoLean Crunch (I'll be amazed if I have teeth by the end of this week)
Honey Greek Yoghurt
Coffee w/milk
Afternoon
Vegan lunch from catering
Apple
Gum
Evening
Chicken and veg
Beer
Lo fat/cal ice cream

Today I am poised in the hallway outside of a conference room, making sure an all day conference runs on time, so I'm coming at you from a cozy couch. I think I'm just going to work here every day.

Today I was reading Jezebel (btw, if you're a woman and you don't read it, you should) and I found an article on a new study from Michigan State University linking binge eating and women. To summarize the best way this non-science person can, their research in lab rats found that female rats tended to binge more than male rats; this is because food (especially sweets) made the pleasure center of the female rat brains go "Oh f&*$ yeah!!!" more so than the male rat brains.

This is your brain on chocolate.

If you want a more scientific explanation, go read the study.

Unfortunately due to lack of time and general work busy-ness (I started writing this at 11:30 and it's now after 2:00) I can't really write a long response, but I would like to say gee-thanks-a-lot-and-screw-you to science for continued inequality between the genders. Not only do women get the joy of experiencing menstruation and childbirth, and should a transgender female want to transition to male she won't get to have a functioning no-no (while a man transitioning to a female can totally get a lovely and fully functioning yoni...I really don't know why this is bothering me so much...SO off-topic), now we are genetically predisposed to stuff our faces?? Well F that S.

So let's hear it ladies! I want to know your thoughts on the subject: do you feel women tend to binge more than men? Hit me in the comments, and if you can't, email me here and I'll post your feedback tomorrow.

Summer out.

The Banality of Adulthood

Date: May 8, 2013 Time: 2:29 pm
Current state: Restless
Location: The Office
Weather: Greeey

Today's menu :
Morning
Kashi GoLean Crunch
Honey Greek Yoghurt
Coffee w/milk
Afternoon
Frozen lunch (chicken and veggie potstickers w/rice and veg)
Bowl of carrots
Banana Chips
Apple
Gum
Evening
Chicken stir fry
Beer
Lo fat/cal ice cream

The above video has been making it's way around the social network today. I didn't really want to watch it, mostly because I was worried it was another "Kony-esque" video that will inspire me for about 15 minutes until internet truth mongers start picking it apart,  thus deflating my give-a-damn. I decided to watch it after Gawker told me to (because I always do what Gawker tells me to), and I found myself connecting to what David Foster Wallace was saying.

If you haven't watched it yet, I really encourage you to.

Go ahead.

I'll wait.

Done? Okay.

I think everyone will draw their own "moral to the story" from Wallace's speech, but here's what I got: we have the opportunity to control how we react to the banality of every day life. I say opportunity because how we react to several every-day scenarios is an opportunity to learn and grow. It can also be a missed opportunity which puts us on the same banal track we've been traveling on. In short: listen more, judge less, never stop learning and your life will be a kaleidoscope rather than a daily chore.

The message is especially poignant considering the source: David Foster Wallace suffered crippling depression, which lead to his eventual suicide; yet his message is disarmingly sanguine. Perhaps it was the way he wished the world could be, so we could cope with one another a little better.

I know today's post is a little off-topic, but perhaps it's not.

So tell me: how do you cope? What do you, or can you, do to break up the every-day? Hit me in the comments.

Summer out.

To toss or not to toss: clothes are the question.

Date: May 7, 2013 Time: 12:06 pm
Current state: Optimistic
Location: The Office
Weather: Blue skies in one window and grey skies in another
Today's menu :
Morning
Kashi GoLean Crunch (seriously, I only eat it because it's high in fiber, but it's like granola that's been shellacked)
Honey Greek Yoghurt
Coffee w/milk
Afternoon
Frozen lunch (chicken tamale w/rice)
Bowl of carrots
Banana Chips
Apple
Gum
Evening
Chicken stir fry
Beer
Lo fat/cal ice cream

Having just recently moved, I am gob-smacked by the amount of stuff I have. I have always considered myself a minimalist, but every box I open is like opening an inconvenient gift that I need to find room for. My biggest inconvenience? My clothes. I'm not really a clothes horse, but I do have a hard time parting older clothes. I am especially struggling with parting with items that no longer fit me, due to my weight gain.

I have read conflicting articles on the subject of keeping and not keeping clothes that no longer fit. Articles that are for keeping say they are a great motivator to help achieve weight-loss goals. The opposing articles say that they have negative connotations and could demotivate and distract; in addition, it could ultimately lead to disappointment because you may never be that size again.

I realize I need to part with a lot of old things, especially my powder blue suit because...well...powder blue suit; but that being said, I have some amazing old jeans, dresses and other things that I would love to keep so I could wear them again. My concern: should I?

What do you do if you outgrow your clothes? Keep or toss? Hit me in the comments!

Summer out.

End of the Rainbow

Date: May 6, 2013 Time: 12:28 pm
Current state: Moo
Location: The Office
Weather: Perdy


Today's menu :
Morning
Kashi GoLean Crunch (hate it, never getting it again
Honey Greek Yoghurt
Coffee w/milk
Afternoon
Frozen lunch (chicken enchilada w/rice)
Bowl of carrots
Banana Chips
Apple
Gum
Evening
Chicken stir fry
Beer
Lo fat/cal ice cream

When I was about 5 years old we lived in Colorado Springs, a city at the base of the Rocky Mountains. Whenever there was a rainstorm, it was always followed by a spectacular rainbow. I recall asking my mother as we were driving one day if we could go to the rainbow. She said, "You can't touch a rainbow. No matter how far you go, you will never get close to it." Psh. Say that to a 5 year old, and it is not a deterrent; it is a challenge. One afternoon I saw a rainbow, hopped on my Big Wheel (why aren't there Big Wheels for adults?), and started pedaling towards it. I don't recall exactly for how long I pedaled, or how far, but it was way too far for a 5 year old girl to be away from home on her own. Needless to say, my mother was right: you can never touch a rainbow. Rainbow Bright was a lie.

So what does this anecdote from my childhood have to do with my health goals? Whelp, I'll tell you. I went to my first WW (Weight Watchers) meeting on Friday afternoon. It was actually a great meeting, lead by a lovely facilitator and a group that was sufficiently interactive. When I was checking in, the gal who helped me pointed out my 5% and 10% weight loss goals. According to WW, and to doctors, losing at least 10% of your body weight can make a huge positive impact on your health. In WW, all milestones are 10%; you lose 10%, you celebrate and lose another 10%, and so on, until you reach a healthy weight within your BMI (Body Mass Index).

All my life I have fantasized about how wonderful my life would be if I were thin. More people would like me and want to be friends with me. I would be able to attract a partner. I wouldn't have to get a seatbelt extender on an airplane, and even comfortably fit into a seat. I could ride amusement park rides again. These days my fantasies are simpler; like, go for a walk without cringing from the pain.

I say fantasize because the idea of being "thin" has always felt like an unobtainable goal. At this moment I see that this is probably a defeatist attitude, but go with me on this: when am I going to be thin enough? I remember saying to my ex once that even if I did lose all of this extra body fat, I will always be fat in my head. She didn't understand so I explained: if I shed all of these extra pounds and get down to 125 pounds, I will not stop being me. I will still be the kid who was brutally bullied. I'll still be the person who would get stared at in the halls at work. I'll still be the woman on the plane that the person sitting next to wanted to be moved away from. I'll still be the person that doesn't want to date out of fear that nobody will be attracted to me. Changing my body will never take away the experiences that came with having "that body" to begin with. It will come with minor conveniences, but at what point does the mental/emotional weight-loss begin?

Pretty heavy for a Monday, I know. So the question for the day: how to you ditch your emotional baggage? Hit me in the comments.

Summer out.

Feeling Fabulous Friday

THIS! IS! FRIDAY!

Date: May 3, 2013 Time: 1:47 pm
Current state: Bouncy (I have to potty!)
Location: The Office
Weather: Luminous


Today's menu :
Morning
Pumpkin Flax Granola
Honey Greek Yoghurt
Apple
Afternoon
Frozen lunch (Cod w/Ratatouille)
Greek Salad
Banana Chips
Apple (if I get hungry)
Gum
Evening
(unpacking tonight)
Probably Pho again
Beer
Chocolate Square

*Note: I'm sorry some of ya'll are having trouble with the comments section. Tech support recommends going here for help. If the comments section is still being a nag and you want to ask a question or drop a comment, feel free to email me here and we'll cover it the next day.

Happy Feeling Fabulous Friday y'all! I've decided that I wanted to make Friday's blog posts focused on the positive. Eliminate the negative, so to speak.

I have never been to an Alcoholics/Narcotics/Over-Eaters Anonymous meeting, but from I understand people who go tend to focus on all of their negative behaviors and the consequences of their actions. While I think it's good to reflect on bad behavior + action = consequence, we should also take some time to celebrate the fact that we, being multi-faceted human beings, have something positive to put out into the world as well. Everybody has value and something to live for.

I used to have a friend who told me if I ever said anything bad about myself I had to say 3 nice things about myself after that. I couldn't believe how hard it was, every single time, to come up with 3 nice things to say about myself. I have talked to a lot of friends and have found that almost all of them, especially my female friends, struggle with the same thing.

All that being said, Feeling Fabulous Friday is exactly for that. I'm going to share 3 things I like about myself, every Friday, and I would like for you to share as well, in the comments section.

So here's this week's 3:

1. I like my green eyes.
2. I make a kick-ass blackened salmon.
3. I am an excellent defensive driver.

Okay, your turn! Share your 3 in the comments!

Summer out.

The food of my enemy is my enemy.

image source: McDonald's. Please don't sue me.

 

Date: May 2, 2013 Time: 11:27 am
Current state: Unfocused
Location: The Office
Weather: Supe's pretty

Today's menu :
*SIGH* McDonald's Egg White Delight McMuffin, a hash brown, and a coffee
Afternoon
 (running to Trader Joe's)
Frozen Lunch
Salad
Apple
Evening
Chicken Pho
Beer
1 square of chocolate

Oh McDonald's, how do you always manage to place yourself right in my commute path?

This morning I was (as usual) running late, and hungry. In my new neighborhood there is a McDonald's just a couple blocks from where I live, and as I was driving by this morning I saw a sign for their new Egg White Delight McMuffin. This is literally just a regular Egg McMuffin without a yolk and white cheese instead of yellow. All this being said, I thought to myself, "Oh, that's healthier!", and turned into the drive-thru. I ordered the Egg White Delight McMuffin and a cup of coffee, and the person taking my order asked if I wanted to make it a combo. Here's how that conversation went between the angel and the devil on my shoulder:

Devil: Ooo, if you get the combo you'll get the hash-brown!

Angel: You don't need the hash-brown, the sandwich and coffee is plenty.

Devil: Oh, but it's so much more cost effective if you get the combo.

Angel: But you're still paying more money to eat deep fried, genetically engineered potato cake. AND you know you'll get a stomach ache from eating all this heavy food.

Devil: Mmm, deep fried genetically engineered potato cake - *drooool*

So I got the combo. I ate my breakfast while sitting in traffic on the West Seattle bridge, and just as the angel on my shoulder said, I had an immediate stomach ache.

Before anyone asks: Yes, I have seen Super Size Me. No, I have not seen Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead (and I don't plan to). Yes, I know that McDonald's is the epitome of everything wrong with health in America. I get it, I get it, I get it. It's just so. Darn. CONVENIENT.

My problem is that I wasn't prepared. I knew I was out of breakfast items at work (which I'm replenishing today), and I was going to have to hit the ground running when I got in. As my father always said, "Poor preparation is the perfect path to panic", and when I don't plan ahead, or in this case when I don't have what I need on hand, I make bad choices.

So, lesson learned. That was then, this is now. No guilt. Learn, move on.

What's your temptation when you're not prepared? Share in the comments!

Summer out.

You have the right to remain indignant...

Date: May 1, 2013

Time: 2:21 pm
Current state: Ruminatin'
Location: The Office
Weather: Unfairly beautiful

Today's menu (started late today):
Morning
White Americano from Starbucks (Grande Americano w/2 pumps white mocha and a splash of half & half)
Starbucks ham breakfast sandwich
1/4 cup almonds
serving of banana chips
Afternoon
Trader Joe's Fusilli Pesto Pasta
Trader Joe's Honey Wheat Pretzel Sticks
Gum
Evening
(Meeting friends at Ma Kai in Alki)
Beer
Tacos
1 square of chocolate

Two things: 1) For everyone who asked, the move went GREAT! The movers were fast and friendly (which is the name of their business, Fast and Friendly Movers), and I'm so excited about my new place and roomie. 2) I am LOVING reading everyone's comments and I will do my super best to go back and reply to all of them. 3) (okay three things, I lied) Please share my blog. I really want to not only gain a readership, but to meet different people through this medium with different experiences.

I've been using my crutches on and off since my knee problems have escalated. I tend to use them when I'm out and about and have to walk long distances. When I'm at work a lot of people ask what's wrong and I decided awhile ago that I wanted to answer honestly: I'm having knee problems. Their follow up question is, "How long do you need the crutches?", and my answer is "When I get better." They ask, "How long will it take?" and I say, "However long it takes for me to lose weight." This always leads to a longer conversation about health, fitness, diets, and advice about what works for them or their friend/family member/coworker/dog/etc. There was a time when these conversations made me want to punch a daisy in the face, because even though the other party is always extremely well-intention-ed, a non-obese person trying to relate to my obesity problem has always made me uncomfortable.

Cut to lunch today. A coworker walked up to me in the kitchen and asked me the usual line of questioning about my knees, and it went as expected. She then brought up how a friend of hers uses Weight Watchers and how beneficial it is to them -

I'm going to cut from this conversation to explain my own personal experiences with WW (Weight Watchers). WW and I go WAY back. At the encouragement of an old coworker back in Colorado, I started going to meetings when I was 23. It started out great; I lost a lot of weight very quickly at first, and I was more conscious of what I was putting in my body. Then the cost of the monthly dues started catching up with me. To an hourly employee making $13 an hour, $40 a month is a lot of money. I stopped using it and inevitably gained all of it and more back.

Flash forward 5 years when my ex-wife and I decided to join again. It went extremely well this time and I ended up losing 90 pounds. When we broke up I stopped going because I no longer had a shared income, and again: to an hourly employee, $40 a month is a lot of money.

Flash forward 3 years: I gained back all of the weight I lost and a whole bunch more, which prompted me to join WW again. I went to one meeting. I was the last person to arrive at check-in, so I was there to hear the women loudly checking in all of the other meeting members ahead of me, most of which were new members. I was the only obese person. Two of the women in line, who were new, were tall and very thin; the counselor who checked them in told them according to their BMI they don't need to lose weight, but they can still attend the meeting. Another new member said she just wanted to lose 15 pounds. I went into the meeting and I was shocked by the judgmental stares I was receiving. I always thought of WW as a sort of AA, where people who are struggling with their weight could go to a non-judgmental environment to discuss coping/managing their weight problems. I had never before felt more uncomfortable in a WW meeting than I did that night. After that, I quit again. I decided that WW's focus has shifted not just to those who are genuinly struggling with weight loss, but for those who want to casually lose 15 or so pounds.

Flash forward  1 year to today's conversation, where I am still ferociously clinging to my indignation...

I told my coworker how I stopped going to WW, because I felt it was no longer for people who weren't struggling weight, but for people who casually wanted to lose a little bit of weight, how I felt judged, blah-blah-blah. Then she said, "Well it's a shame you felt judged, but it's not good to assume with other people's experiences are. They're going through their own experience." What?! Did she just tell me that I shouldn't feel offended by other peoples own personal struggles with their weight? How dare she take away my right to be offended!

The lesson I took away from that conversation is this: stop f*cking judging people Summer. Oh, and stop making what they're going through about you. In addition to that, I realized that I have used my indignation as a sort of shield or crutch. In a way I want to give myself a bit of a break, because I have been viciously bullied because of my weight, but in that vein there comes a point when I need to stop being a victim.

All of that being said, I've rejoined WW.

So your turn: what's your crutch? Share in the comments!