Friday, June 7, 2013

fabulous friday

Date: June 8, 2013
Time: 12:32 pm
Current state: Not gonna lie...pretty low
Location: The Office
Weather: Cloudy

Today's menu:
Greek yogurt w/blueberries and granola
Frozen lunch (Paneer Masala w/rice)
Carrots w/hummus
Cele's Meal

What does one do when it's Fabulous Friday and one is feeling significantly less than fabulous? We're talking tears people, and it's been quite awhile since I've cried. I didn't even cry when I almost got carjacked a couple months ago. I considered not writing today, but I realized that it's important to share my successes and failures; so hang in there with me today, because it's been a rough week. Oh and this post is going to be a bit sweary, in case you're sensitive to swear words, in which case: chill the f**k out.

I went to my WW meeting this today filled with pride and optimism; pride that I counted every little point I ingested this week, worked out twice, and stayed within my point limit. I felt optimism because I knew I was going to step on that scale and I was going to get my card back from the cranky lady who runs the counter, and it was going to have a minus pounds sign, rather than a plus pounds sign. I took off my sandals, stepped on that scale telling the cranky lady "It's going to be a great week!", and she smiled through her cranky mouth. Then she look at the screen and her cranky smile turned into a cranky frown. She said nothing; she handed me my weigh-in card and said to enjoy the meeting. I didn't take that as a good sign. I sat down in my usual spot in the front row, opened my weigh-in booklet, and found that I had actually gained .8 lbs this week. It was painful; the cliché slap to the face when being delivered bad news.

My initial instinct was to go back to the counter and smack the cranky lady in the face, because clearly this is all her fault. Then I sat there, thinking about where I could have gone wrong. I ate really well, I stayed within my points, I worked out twice this week for the first time in months; how could I have gained?  Obsessively tracking, counting calories, putting my knees through torture, and I gained. I saw the star stickers on a table that the leader hands out every week for the people who lost weight, and it hit me that I couldn't bear to be there. I felt like I didn't have anything to celebrate, so I gathered my things and left. As I hobbled to the car on my busted-ass knees I felt this swell of anger overcome me. The typical "Why am I even trying?" attitude was ever-present as I chucked my crutches in the passenger seat and slammed my car door as hard as I could. I sped away and all I felt was red hot fury, so I screamed at the top of my lungs and let it dissolve into heaving sobs. I imagine the scene in my car looked insane. I will, however, give myself major props for being such a good driver while having a severe emotional paroxysm.

In all honesty, I think the week has been building up to this. I have been a pressure-cooker of intense hostility all week after finding out on Monday that my insurance company will in fact not be covering the cost of gastric bypass surgery. This is after being told a few weeks ago that they will. It hit me harder than I expected; not because I was putting all of my faith into this surgery, but I felt like I had my pass to the "Express Lane of Hope" revoked. In that moment, after getting off the phone with the insurance company, I allowed myself a short amount of time to feel really let down by their refusal. After that, however, I realized that it was 100% up to me now to get through this. No express lane; so I kicked my ass into gear and pushed myself harder this week then I have in recent memory. Oh and by the way? F**k my insurance company.

Silly rabbit...

All of the aforementioned is perhaps why I feel so crestfallen today; because I have been trying, and I still feel like I'm failing. I can't today though, because it's Fabulous Friday. That being said, I'm only human; every day isn't going to be "running down the beach in white pants" wonderful. Sometimes it's going to be  "stepping on a broken seashell and falling flat on my face" shitty. Today, however, will not be Pessimistic Friday. Not today.

Not to-f***ing-day.
So here we go again folks: Fabulous Friday. Not "Fabulous Friday!" with an exclamation point, but "Fabulous Friday." with a period, because I'm going to make it a good f****ing day or I'm going to die trying.
3 things I like about myself:
1. I am really good at finding the silver lining.
2. I did my make-up beautifully today.
3. I killed it in Aquafit this week, and I'm not giving up.
Your turn; hit me in the comments or email me. Let's make it a great weekend.
Summer out.


Jen said...

Love you Summer. And I will be here with you to push throughh the disappointment and struggle. Because I am there too. Anything you need and any company you would like on the journey. I know I feel alone in it, myself. Can we help each other, for real?

Anonymous said...

kudos to not giving up. weight fluctuates, especially if you are kicking ass while working have muscles too and when they get stronger they get bigger and you will gain muscle mass (which ironically is a really good thing). you're efforts and your blog are so inspiring. keep fighting! and LOVE the positive that you are so positive even when you are feeling down!

Kathryn said...

I emailed you but forgot to say... Love the pics on this post.